What’s the best way to build self-confidence?
I have always thought that self-confidence is a trait that is a combination of upbringing, genetics and bluffing.
If you listen to, or read comments by, many an older person, you will be informed that children these days are too indulged by their parents. They are told, according to these correspondents, that they are amazing and that they can do anything. This is generally seen as a bad thing, and I suppose in the more extreme cases it could be. However, it made me think of my upbringing and the upbringing of most children around me in the 1970s where we were constantly told what we were doing badly and occasionally what we are doing well. That wasn’t a good setting to develop self-confidence. The only exception to this were the upper middle classes I came across at times who were brought up to believe that they were a cut above the common herd!
Even if you have an upbringing that is designed to fill you with self-confidence you have to believe it inwardly. I have had imposter syndrome all my life and I have never felt like I was in control. I was metaphorically looking over my shoulder all the time waiting for someone to find out that I wasn’t really up to it. Yes, there is an element of upbringing in this, but I have seen many of the people I grew up with having no real issues believing that they got their successes due to their own excellence. This is where I think we have a genetic component. In nature vs nurture it’s always the former that is most significant.
One of my least favourite modern sayings is ‘Fake it till you make it’, not because I think it’s nonsense but because it completely explains modern society. The people who become managers and politicians are often way worse than those they lead but they have this air of knowing what they are doing that they cultivate in order to climb the greasy pole. They will make bad decisions, make the lives of those they lead ten times worse, occasionally accidentally, often deliberately, and they will be protected by others from the same breed. In all my years in teaching I can only remember coming across two top managers in my centres or schools who were genuinely brilliant. The rest ranged from adequate to appalling and by the end of my career the latter way outweighed the former!
I am now way too old to develop self-confidence but I have tried to bring my children up to have that trait. It’s the least I can do to try to save them from my disappointments and missed opportunities as a result of lacking that quality which is now far more important than actual ability.
How do you build loyal subscribers?
I am incredibly grateful to everyone who reads any of my posts and I think that over the past year or so I have built a reasonable base of people who follow my blog. Perhaps one of the main reasons is that I started to post every day. This post will be my 327th consecutive day of posting so in a month and 8 days I will have a year of daily posting. As far as I can I try to post at similar times each day. People will see my blog most days particularly if they subscribe to emails or notifications on the app.
I have two particularly regular commenters and I always enjoy reading their reflections on my posts. I will endeavour to answer every comment with one of my own, but as yet I haven’t built up the legion of commenters that many others have. In an attempt to build up this community I am making a point of commenting on at least two other posts each day. Let’s see if that helps.
Finally, I always look for an interesting angle for each prompt. I try to make my posts as personal as possible. Each one reflects my personality and my experiences. I try to be as interesting as possible and to make my posts thought provoking and I think I generally succeed.
So, I can carry on as I am for the moment, making tweaks to my approach as they occur to me and continue to be very grateful for my followers old, new, regular and occasional.
Share a proverb you think is completely wrong and make your case.
I mean, really?!! This is nonsense designed to make people look for positive outcomes that don’t exist. In reality very few clouds have silver linings. You lost your job but at least you can decide what you really want to do next. In reality, you lost your job and you wake up everyday stressed, poor and being called a scrounger by 90% of the UK. Oh, and future interviewers will always say, ‘I see you were out of work for 6 months. Why was that?’ Of course, if they were ever unemployed they had a very good reason! You failed the exam, but you can always retake it, or you can use it to change direction. In reality, you have disappointed yourself, your family and your teachers and it will be constantly referred to if conversation comes round to your failings.
I always say it’s actually the reverse. Every silver lining has a cloud! If something looks good there’s always a downside. For example, if you get a better paid job, you can be pretty sure that you have to do far more work than the pay rise would indicate, and often you will end up sleeping less due to stress.
So, when you hear that, remember that it’s nonsense designed to make us accept that while other people have gilded, fortunate lives, we have lives where we learn to look for non-existent positives.
Do you believe in soulmates? Why or why not?
The whole idea of soulmates is superficially appealing, but when you start to look at it carefully it loses it’s lustre.
For a start, this idea that there’s one person destined for you doesn’t hold up under any type of scrutiny. How can you guarantee that you would end up with that one specific person? What happens if your soulmate is on the other side of the world? As someone whose life has been very varied, not to say haphazard, I would have to believe firstly in a higher power, and secondly in that higher power playing 3D chess with billions of lives. It makes no sense, even if you can believe in a higher power.
Next, doesn’t the whole idea give you a problem that if the person you decide is your soulmate doesn’t stay with you for reasons of divorce or death? Is that person just someone passing through or were they the only person you were meant to be with and you or life have messed things up totally? If you marry again, are you settling for second best or did you have to marry the first person in order to find the second? Yet again, the whole concept falls apart when put under a logical microscope.
The idea of a soulmate comes, obviously as the name might suggest, from religious teachings. The whole purpose of religion is to provide a framework for not only your life but also the smooth running of society. The verse of perhaps the most dreadful hymn in the entire songbook that makes this clear is no longer sung, but All Things Bright and Beautiful is absolutely on the money with that. It goes
The rich man in the castle/ The poor man at the gate/ God made them high or lowly/ And ordered their estate.
So, everything is predestined right down to whether you can afford food!
The soulmate is a ridiculous idea that has no place in modern thinking. If you meet someone, love them pretty much straight away, go through the inevitable ups and downs of life and they still brighten your day by being there after nearly 36 years of marriage, it is the result of continuous mindful attention to the other person. It’s constantly considering what that other person needs and looking after those needs before thinking about your own.
In the final analysis, it is a very human partnership not a divine one. Don’t give yourself less credit than you deserve. It’s down to two human beings paying constant attention to each other and making every effort to ensure their partner is happy. Soulmates don’t exist and fulfilling lives in the company of one other person are the result of hard work. It’s down to you not down to any higher power.
In my feed on the Jetpack app I have started to see my previous posts coming up via a feature called On This Day.
3 years ago I published the 5th instalment of my A to Z of my Singles Collection. That reminds me that I really must return to it and finish it!!
David Pearce - Popular Culture and Personal Passions 