How Long Have You Got?

Pretty much everything! It’s something of a running joke in the family which comes from a place of affection so I don’t really mind it. The interesting question is why? When you are a nervous person it starts in childhood and it affects every decision you make from then on. For me, a childhood of regular bullying at school which happened in my earlier primary schools and of course my awful secondary school, the Maths School, about which I have written on many occasions. That makes you constantly on guard and on edge over a whole range of issues.

Over the last few years I have been working on my nerves with some success thanks to meditation especially my Calm App. It has given me the opportunity to put my fears in their proper perspective and to some extent that has helped me to become more balanced in my perception of risk. I still have the instant reaction to the situation but I am now able to see that as merely the first stage of the process. I used to get stuck at the first stage but now I have the tools to work my way past it and put any risk, physical and emotional, into it’s proper perspective. It seems strange that it has taken me so long to do that, but society is very good at making things difficult and very bad at helping you deal with those difficulties. Looking back, I wish meditation had come into my life much earlier, but I was lucky enough to meet Janet whose love and guidance has helped me to face my fears and find practical ways of dealing with them. She gave me the confidence to take mental risks like working abroad and because of that we have had experiences that very few other people have been lucky enough to have.

I look at myself with more understanding and compassion than I used to. I tell myself it’s natural to be nervous after my childhood experiences but when I look back at my decisions over the years I have really taken life on. Perhaps, deep down, I am not as nervous as I think I am, but on the surface and in the moment I think I always will be.