A Work in Progress

I suppose like anyone I have never felt like I have ever got things completely sussed. If you saw me at work, you could get the mistaken impression that I was fairly sorted in my teaching. The truth, of course, was that I kept making mistakes every time I stepped into the classroom and I never felt like there was a time when I had everything under control. This is true for life in general I think.

At 18, I got my first job. Did I feel like an adult? No way! I was too busy realising that I was unsuitable for the job I had taken. As I mentioned the other day, I joined the RAF at 19. Did I feel like an adult then? Not a chance. I got married at 25. What about then? Still no, as I was still a student! I could go on, but the pattern is clear. At various points I picked up more and more adult skills but never fully felt like one.

Surely things have changed now that I have finished year round teaching? Well, no actually. I am having to completely relearn things about myself and indeed who I am. Janet said something a couple of days ago which really took me aback. She said that I was finally myself again after years of being too preoccupied by work. I couldn’t believe that I had lost sight of myself to that extent, but if I am honest it’s probably because I always felt like I was coming up short in all areas of my life. I have been reading the first two books of Philip Pullman’s Book of Dust trilogy, the final part of which is published this month! In the second book, The Secret Commonwealth Lyra and Pan, her Daemon are estranged because she’s forgotten who she is. That really hit home, because if I had a Daemon I think it would find my approach to life at odds with my real self.

Over the last six weeks I have been trying to reconnect with who I am, and obviously doing so with some success as it has been noticed. However, I still have a long way to go and I will make a number of mistakes along the way, as you do when you are growing up. It’s a work in progress, this journey through life and at heart I will always be the child below who is hoping for the best, learning from mistakes and never quite feeling like he has things sorted.