Changes Over Time

It’s very easy to do things because they are habits and it’s very easy to do things because you think you should. In many ways it’s far more difficult to ditch things that you used to like but have outgrown or fallen out of love with. There is, however, this thing called life that happens when you are busy making other plans! That will either change your priorities or make it impossible to carry on with those things you used to do.

Many years ago I was an epic pub goer, drinker and socialiser. One year, my best friend, Gavin, and I decided that we were going to drink together every single day of the year! We actually kept to it 😂😂 I shudder to think how many units of alcohol I imbibed in that year or indeed in the years around it. I have mentioned before that my drinking days were ended because we couldn’t afford it. Now, even if I buy myself alcohol, it sits there in the fridge or out in the garage until, usually, someone else drinks it! I have become so unused to the taste of alcohol that I really only look forward to a really decent port, but really decent ports cost a fair amount so I can never quite justify the price, especially now I’m not working. Do I miss it? Not at all, if I’m honest. I have completely lost the urge to drink and it will take something very unusual to trigger it.

Another element of my old self that I have lost is my ability to want to connect with people outside of the safety of my own house! Yes, that’s partly driven by the fact that I don’t go to the pub anymore, but there’s more to it than that. Over the years I have become more and more used to spending my time at home and going out just seems like a huge effort. My hearing has become less and less sharp over the past decade and when I am in a social setting I often struggle to hear other people and I am forced to ask for repetition, rely on context, guess or nod and smile in the hope that it is the right reaction! I used to try putting my hearing aid in, but I realised that all this did was to amplify all noise, not the specific noise I wanted to hear. Conversation was just as difficult, just far louder and more disorientating! Along with my Asperger’s it makes social situations a huge amount of effort and I often end up feeling like it’s work not pleasure, however much I would normally enjoy the company. After a social event I need to decompress and ensure that I get back to ‘normal’ before I can even think about it again. The tiredness I feel is the same as if I have done something physical as I have to really concentrate the whole time.

I wonder if that is part of the reason why I became so much more impatient and irritated teaching face to face so much in my last couple of years? Perhaps 20 hours of enforced ‘socialising’ a week just drained my battery far more quickly as I got older. Maybe the students stayed broadly the same and it was me who changed significantly. Whatever the reason I look back on my last couple of years and feel like I owe some of my classes an apology for the times I lost my temper.