Paralysis through Analysis

I think it’s perhaps impossible to have fun as an adult in the same way you did as a child. The trouble is that you look at that time in your life and you see that as the way fun should be. Once you have any type of responsibility, be that family or employment, for many of us that becomes the focus. Other people’s needs take precedence, as indeed they should. Fun is something I see as frivolous and lacking any real purpose , and even the fun I do have tends to be analysed through that prism.

Fun can be seen as selfish, because it’s not obviously productive. Looking back over the last few years I have seldom thrown myself into anything that could be described as fun before deciding whether it was worth it or whether I had done enough to deserve it. More and more, I have looked for purpose in what I do and fun on the surface tends to look as though it doesn’t have any purpose. On a practical level, it doesn’t, but on a personal level it does. Fun, however it comes, releases endorphins and has physical and psychological benefits beyond the activity itself. I know this because I read widely, but I can’t apply it to myself.

When I do something ‘fun’ I am not comfortable to really let go because I worry about how it will look to others. At concerts I won’t often sing as I don’t want to bother those around me. I won’t dance because I know that can be irritating for me if someone in front of me does so. That said, I stopped dancing years ago because I felt like I wasn’t very good at it and I had no place to do it.

I had a karaoke session with my colleagues on my last day of work. I wish I could have sung better and I got irritated with some of the notes I could no longer hit, but for someone who hadn’t sung in public for nearly 30 years I did quite well. I definitely had fun on the night, but when I saw the videos of my singing I turned them off very quickly because they sounded so off key to me!

I do want to have fun, but I am not a spontaneous person. My tendency to look at something from all possible angles often sees me talk myself out of things. My tendency to look at how much things cost often sees me talk myself out of things. Even when these two barriers aren’t there, my tendency to analyse what I have done often leads me to downplay the fun I have had.

I always seem to have the brakes on nowadays. When I was in my teens and twenties I was quite hedonistic because I was surrounded by hedonistic friends. The fun we had then was invariably fuelled by alcohol, something I very rarely have now. I do look back and think that it was fine for younger people, but for people of the age I am now it just isn’t appropriate.

When I look ahead I always promise myself that I will just have fun, but it’s actually very difficult to do. Another target for 2026? Perhaps, but it will probably be one I miss completely or hit the outer ring if I am lucky!